That was a little unexpected. I really should have seen this possibility, but quite frankly I was thinking of other things.
I guess I am no longer friends with the two boylovers I know out in CA. It’s a little sad. Right after MFotF left last Monday after I came out, I sent messages off to my friends in the online community, telling them about it. One responded a few days later congratulating me. But today I talked to CAPrime online and he told me he was disturbed by my message. Long story short, he was worried that my coming out to my closest friends was putting him at risk. I assured him that I don’t talk about him to the (now) two friends who know the truth about me, but he was concerned that there was evidence of our correspondence on my computers, and that that information is now vulnerable.
I told him, the people I told had already figured it out for themselves. They were more likely to pry (though they never did, I’m sure) when they had suspicions than they are now that they know. CAPrime was not convinced.
He asked me how I knew they would stand by me when I started working with children, or if I ever adopted. I told him how the King referred me to the mentoring agency. He reminded me that I was rejected by them.
Now, it’s not as if that never occurred to me. Of course that thought went through my mind. Maybe The King in fact told them not to take me. It is possible, but I don’t believe he did. I trust him not to lie to me about that. That’s what friendship is. Trust. It’s why I told them in the first place. To grow our friendship stronger, I had to trust them more, and so far I have no evidence to suggest that they betrayed me.
At this point in our conversation I was pretty angry, so I didn’t get to make all the points i could have, but I doubt they’d have convinced him. I think now that suspicion is dispelled, that I have shown my friends trust, they are more able to trust me with kids, not less. This may seem contradictory at first, but consider:
I apply to the mentoring agency to become a mentor and list MFotF as a reference. She has some thoughts that I may be a pedophile. That scares her a little, especially when I tell her that I am volunteering to spend time alone with a boy. Something not commonly done by men my age. It adds to her fear and suspicion.
When she’s called and asked in confidence if she would recommend me, she could say “no” without fear of offending me if she’s wrong.
On the other hand, The King, who knows, is free to say up front that he is reluctant to recommend me. He is the sort of person who wouldn’t be afraid to do just that. But no matter the type of person he is, the option is there, statistically increasing the chance that he’ll be a good reference if he agrees.
He can also ask me why I want to do this volunteering (which he did) and I can answer honestly (which I did). It cuts out all the cloak and dagger. Obviously, he can still say “yes” to me and “no” to them, but I think he has fewer reasons to do so. I choose to trust him. And I choose to trust her.
CAPrime has chosen not to trust me to protect him. I can understand his fear, certainly, but – MFotF just sent me a text. ”So I’m at a coffee shop in the city and there is a guy here talking to his beanie baby in french and serving it some of his coffee.” lol – And now my neighbor’s boyfriend is pounding on her door yelling at her to let him in. From the sound of it, he’s dragging around a 2×4 – it’s not like I don’t have experience not talking about stuff. I’m a novice at telling. It’s hard work. Much easier to keep the secret. But the reward is greater when you trust.
So there was one more choice to be made. He needed me to choose between him or The King and MFotF, or at least what they represent since such things cannot be untold. (Some try, though.) I didn’t choose him.
MFotF and The King – MFotF especially – were willing to reevaluate a belief they’ve been taught all their lives to keep my friendship. CAPrime is not even willing to consider that such a thing is possible, let alone that I could identify them.
I was angry, but I got to vent to The King. (I never used CAPrime’s name.) Now I’m just disappointed, and a little sad.
