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I’m starting to get discouraged. I started the ball rolling at the Citadel to switch our web host. That would involve redesigning the website, but now I’m realizing after doing some research and playing with some software that I have no clue how to recreate the site we have. No idea how to create the static nav page and menu,. I don’t have the knowledge to design and create a website from scratch and I don’t get paid enough to go to school to learn it. So I’m slightly anxious about it now.

All the more reason to get out of my slump and get back to what I know. Music. I need to be singing. Not building web sites.

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When I get home from work today: 1st all laundry put away and towels into the wash.  2nd apply to at least one job.  3rd watch Blood Diamond.  4th finish dishes.


“When I get home from work.”  Ha!  I went outside and there was snow five inches deep on my car.  That and very slippery roads.  I called The Citadel.  The parking lot is buried.  The last time I tried to get to church in this kind of weather I spun out on the onramp to the interstate and had to spend an hour digging myself back out of the parking lot.  No work today.

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Today I watched Jet Li’s Fearless.  I think it was a very good movie.  The acting was not to western taste, meaning it wasn’t naturalist, but the story told was a good and interesting one and it was well told.

While on my cruise I laid out a plan of action if you will remember.  Upon returning from the cruise I set about following it, but have since become lax.  I need to recommit myself to it, even if I change the goals.  I think the uneasy feeling I’ve been having is related to once again lacking direction and purpose.  So, here i go again, outlining what I hope to do and accomplish.

-Become a mentor.  Really nothing I can do but wait on this one.
-Contact Virtuoso to encourage his Venus and Adonis project.  Even unpaid, I need to get back into music for the love of it.
-Reduce my spending, increase my responsibility, both financial and personal.
-Find a job to replace the Restaurant that doesn’t subvert my soul.

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Video games consume my life.  I got a new TV (1080p) and so started playing Final Fantasy XII again.  As a result I have gotten nothing done for almost a week.

I put in my two weeks notice on Saturday.  After New Year’s Eve, and then the wedding on Friday I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I can no longer stand to work this job.  So Saturday on my way to work I stopped by Staples and printed my letter of resignation.  My manager’s reaction was “NO!”  Fortunately, you can’t really give someone’s resignation back.

So my official day of resignation is two Sundays from today.  Of course, I don’t work Sundays, so the day before will be my last.  Thank goodness.

I’ve started my new job as part time secretary at the Citadel.  So much nicer.  And after work today I went to a nearby café and asked if they were hiring.  Turns out they are.  The woman I spoke to wanted me to leave my CV.  Alas, I didn’t have it with me.  I was looking for an application to fill out and bring back later.  So I have to put my resume together again and write a cover letter to give to her tomorrow.

I have to go back to The Restaurant tomorrow night again too.  1 1/2 more weeks…

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It’s been a long time since I wrote anything here.  And while plenty has happened, I feel like there really isn’t any story to tell.

I’m fairly certain that last Wednesday was the last day I’ll ever see the tray taker boy, since the busy season is pretty much over now.  I’ve been in the Chase Room at The Restaurant for almost all of my recent shifts, which is nice since it’s a more calm room and I get tips from the bar.

I spent the last few days with my father’s side of the family up north.  My father’s brother’s only son’s family wasn’t there (they have four boys).  Only Lucy and her little sister for children.  They were great to have around.  I tried my best to be sociable with Lucy, who is now 10, as sort of practice.  I wasn’t that good at it.

And I just spent $500 on a new television.  I’m a spending junkie.  (And now my credit card is frozen because the bank is afraid of fraud after such a large purchase.)  I need to start making more money.  And I will soon, but I just sent myself further into the hole that I first must dig myself out of.

Today, while browsing Nifty, I came across a story title that felt like the first line to a poem.  So I tried to write the poem.  The line was “And then there was Joshua and Joseph.”  I corrected the grammar for my poem.

And then there were Joshua and Joseph,
Two boys of speechless wonder.
Their hearts beat furious and frantic
Within their narrow breasts.
Restless eyes failed to meet

And that’s all I could come up with.  Clearly, I am no poet.  But I’ve known that for a long time.

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I should be in bed, sleeping.  Instead I’m writing this.  I’m going to regret it…

Today at work the cute tray taker was back again.  For goodness sake, I can’t seem to let it rest with this boy, can I?  I don’t really know what it is about this boy that enchants me, but he does.  He’s not even beautiful.  I mean, not in the sense that boy models are, or that ordinary boys are.  In fact, in some ways (I hate to say this) he’s ugly.  That would undoubtedly be Boy Wonder’s opinion.  He’d say, “Wow!  That kid is a tragedy,” because he is over dramatic like that and exaggerates like mad.  Then I’d say, “no he’s not.  He has his own beauty, it just isn’t conventional.”  Except I wouldn’t because I wouldn’t be caught dead saying that about a boy IRL.

But despite all the traits that offend conventional beauty, he does have a unique alure to me.  He seems so incredibly…sexual.  Every time I walk by him I have to restrain myself from reaching out and touching him.

And adding to the strangeness of his attractiveness is his age.  He cannot legally be younger than fourteen.  And while fourteen is the upper boundary for my “age of attraction” he is not prepubescent.  His voice is unchanged, as I mentioned before, along with the fact that it is gorgeous, but he is clearly in the process of maturing, and not that far behind the average.

Perhaps he gives off a type of pheromone that I’m particularly responsive to.  ;)

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Fool that I am

I feel like I’ve been remiss in my duties having gone through so much and written none of it down.

On Friday I indeed called in sick for work.  Unfortunately, my manager called me back and begged me to come in anyway.  And fool that I am, I said yes.  So I worked myself ragged, thus leading to my health problems.  I was very angry at the manager and at myself for that whole thing.  I vowed I will now always request off the whole day when I have something in the evening.  But stupid me, I just agreed to pick up an extra shift tomorrow and i have rehearsal at church that night.  So obviously my vows mean nothing.

My head still isn’t clear.  Being sick sucks.  I had my interview for the mentoring organization yesterday.  I’m really not sure how it went.  But I can do nothing until I hear, so I may as well not worry.  Hope, but largely not think about it.

Shower.

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