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Posts Tagged ‘fulfillment’

What do I want?  It’s a harder question to answer than it seems, even without bringing up the “unknowable longing.”  I love music, especially baroque, sacred and choral.  I love boys; their company, voices, image.  What the heck am I going to do with my life?  I’m tired of not knowing where I’m going.  I don’t want to worry about how my next meal or the electric bill will be paid.  But neither do I want to be chained to a desk working 40+ hours a week.  I need flexibility.

I’m listening to a recording of an English Cathedral choir.  In my initial long term plan I stated that I was going to England to sing in one, but the problems are this: The political situation with being a foreigner in England is not looking good right now, they are even more intolerant of boylovers (at least on paper) than the US, I don’t know that I could stand to be tied down to singing a service every day much more than working 9-5.

It really is a while lot of “I don’t know.”  There must be a way to shape a life I can love.  What part of myself must I sacrifice?  (I have far from recorded all the directions I’d like my life to go here.  There are far too many.)  Music and boys will always be at the top of my list of loves, and their combination would seem like the perfect solution, but I really think perhaps not.  As much as I love singing boys, singing in a choir with them probably wouldn’t fulfill me.  (It doesn’t right now, though it is pleasant, but I can’t know it wouldn’t if I were in one of the caliber of Kings or Westminster.)  It lacks the personal element.  I ‘m not content to adore from afar for ever.  I think…I think I need to have a career singing the music I love most — early — with maybe a little musical leadership thrown in and also cultivate personal relationships with boys.  That sounds…like a give up answer.  I still have no clue how to fully support myself, nor cultivate those personal relationships.  Do I spend the money and go back to school?  I can’t really afford to.

I DON’T KNOW!

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