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Posts Tagged ‘mentor’

Too thin

The letter was thin.  Too thin.  I knew right away what that meant.  The mentoring agency has rejected my application.  I’m…I really don’t know what I am.  What I feel.  I’m not surprised, but only because I just couldn’t believe that something so great could happen to me.  And it didn’t.  I’m not distraught, or angry, but…  I guess I’m disappointed.  And a little sad.

Now what?  Now where do I go?  What do I do?

I don’t want to dwell on whys and what ifs because I cannot know, but if I had to guess I’d say that my precarious life situation is what got me rejected.  They don’t trust that I can be a stable, constant enough presence in a boy’s life.  Even if that’s not why I was rejected, it’s what I choose to believe.

I’m shaking a little bit.

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I had high hopes and low expectations for that concert.  My expectations won.  In honesty, the boys have potential.  Comparing them against other American boy choirs, they are not too far below acceptable.  (I find it sad, the difference in skill between the average American and English boy choir.)  However the men sang no better than the boys, and often not as well.

This group has ideas to raise money to open a choir school.  I don’t think so.  Long before opening a school I would want to be able to show that the choir has something worth teaching.  First step, ditch all the men.  Hire professionals.  With a solid ATB section to support them, the boys would automatically improve greatly.  Second, start the men performing on their own so that some subset of the organization can give a nuanced and polished performance.  Then start raising money to start a choir school  You may even already have a few teachers among the gentlemen.  I also think a way is needed to inspire passion for music and singing in the boys, as American boy singers are woefully low energy.  If one selected forces in numbers like King’s College, Cambridge (16 boys, 14 men, 1 director, 1 organist) there would be a 1:1 man to boy ratio.  A mentoring/apprenticeship program could conceivably help to inspire the boys to actually start putting themselves into the music rather than just letting it happen around them.

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Can’t wait!

Ah, finally.  Puppy and The King called me today to tell me that they were contacted by the mentoring program as my references.  I was starting to wonder what the heck was going on, since it’s already been…5? 6 weeks?  I haven’t heard from anyone else yet, but things are starting to move.  Can’t wait!

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Today I watched Jet Li’s Fearless.  I think it was a very good movie.  The acting was not to western taste, meaning it wasn’t naturalist, but the story told was a good and interesting one and it was well told.

While on my cruise I laid out a plan of action if you will remember.  Upon returning from the cruise I set about following it, but have since become lax.  I need to recommit myself to it, even if I change the goals.  I think the uneasy feeling I’ve been having is related to once again lacking direction and purpose.  So, here i go again, outlining what I hope to do and accomplish.

-Become a mentor.  Really nothing I can do but wait on this one.
-Contact Virtuoso to encourage his Venus and Adonis project.  Even unpaid, I need to get back into music for the love of it.
-Reduce my spending, increase my responsibility, both financial and personal.
-Find a job to replace the Restaurant that doesn’t subvert my soul.

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Well, such momentum couldn’t last forever without effort.  It’s been hard for me to come to this blog recently.  I’ve had things to write, but I just didn’t feel like writing them.  Yet again, however, I am determined not to let this endevor fail.  I will continue this blog.

Part of the problem is the video games.  Another part is the depression I’m starting to feel.  It’s just a cycle, and this should be a relatively mild one considering things are going well in my life.

I’ve quit my job (Tuesday is my last shift), I like my new job, I’m supposedly going to be mentoring a boy, and I’ve been seeing a lot of my friends.

The other problem is that I’m reading again.  How does Stephen King do it?  In On Writing he recommends writing and reading every day, but how?  If I like what I’m reading, then that story consumes me.  I just can’t…  I can, but it’s difficult to write even a journal when I’m reading a book.  (Dark Tower III.  I love Jake Chambers!)

While time with friends is great, I wonder if it contributes to my depression as well as softening it.  Every time I’m with The Boys or My Friend On The Facebook, I kind of want to tell them my secret.  But I know how they feel about pedophiles.  Obviously the idea is that I could change their minds, since they would have to reconcile their friendship with me, a known individual, with their hatred of a faceless demographic.  But while they could (and I think would) choose me, the possibilities exist that they’d do the opposite, or fail to make a decision at all and just reject that part of me.  Not all my friends will react the way The King did.  I was fortunate that he already suspected the answer and had, for the most part, come to accept it.  He still had (and has) questions, but they don’t have a bearing in his acceptance of who I am.

I think I need to at least tell My Friend On The Facebook.  For friendship to truly grow, there must be truth.

Maybe Jess too.

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Fool that I am

I feel like I’ve been remiss in my duties having gone through so much and written none of it down.

On Friday I indeed called in sick for work.  Unfortunately, my manager called me back and begged me to come in anyway.  And fool that I am, I said yes.  So I worked myself ragged, thus leading to my health problems.  I was very angry at the manager and at myself for that whole thing.  I vowed I will now always request off the whole day when I have something in the evening.  But stupid me, I just agreed to pick up an extra shift tomorrow and i have rehearsal at church that night.  So obviously my vows mean nothing.

My head still isn’t clear.  Being sick sucks.  I had my interview for the mentoring organization yesterday.  I’m really not sure how it went.  But I can do nothing until I hear, so I may as well not worry.  Hope, but largely not think about it.

Shower.

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Yesterday I accomplished much of what I set out to do.  But not all, at little fault of my own.  I couldn’t find The Secretary of State after church, so I didn’t get a chance to talk to her.  I’ll have to send an email to her today about meeting my predecessor.

The Boys were not available for brunch, so I went straight home.  I did buy a half kilo of Guatemalan coffee for my parents first.

I applied to the mentoring organization, doing it quickly to avoid the doubt that would have followed, then collected my references.  One had to be from an employer, so that’s the Saint.  His response to my asking his permission was “Sure, feel free…”  It was the ellipse that makes me wonder about that reaction.  The King also agreed to recommend me.  I was a little worried about him, but he seemed very open to the idea.  I don’t think he’s deceiving me.  Jess is my last reference.  My reluctance there is that she doesn’t live locally, and that may look bad.  But I think she would be able to convince them that that isn’t an issue.

Boy Scouts didn’t happen.  The local council’s website is horrible.  Impossible to find information on volunteering.  Maybe that’s on purpose, because they don’t want random people.  People like me, basically.

FAFSA’s done, though.

So for today.  Groceries, CCs, Laundry, Oil change is done, practice, more boy scouts, and finally, financial institutions.

***

Alrighty.  Not a bad showing for a chronic lazy bum.  I applied to college, went grocery shopping, got my oil and wiper blades changed and called my bank to get information about how to transfer my investments to their brokerage service.

I have not folded nor finished my laundry, practiced or volunteered as a boy scout leader.  If I can get my courage up, I’ll go to the scout meeting down the street at 7:30 tonight and get that last one done.  I’ll fold laundry before bed tonight.  I think I’ve lost on practicing though.  Now I’m going to do more stuff that I don’t need to do and make a youtube video.

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