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Posts Tagged ‘mentor’

Too thin

The letter was thin.  Too thin.  I knew right away what that meant.  The mentoring agency has rejected my application.  I’m…I really don’t know what I am.  What I feel.  I’m not surprised, but only because I just couldn’t believe that something so great could happen to me.  And it didn’t.  I’m not distraught, or angry, but…  I guess I’m disappointed.  And a little sad.

Now what?  Now where do I go?  What do I do?

I don’t want to dwell on whys and what ifs because I cannot know, but if I had to guess I’d say that my precarious life situation is what got me rejected.  They don’t trust that I can be a stable, constant enough presence in a boy’s life.  Even if that’s not why I was rejected, it’s what I choose to believe.

I’m shaking a little bit.

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I had high hopes and low expectations for that concert.  My expectations won.  In honesty, the boys have potential.  Comparing them against other American boy choirs, they are not too far below acceptable.  (I find it sad, the difference in skill between the average American and English boy choir.)  However the men sang no better than the boys, and often not as well.

This group has ideas to raise money to open a choir school.  I don’t think so.  Long before opening a school I would want to be able to show that the choir has something worth teaching.  First step, ditch all the men.  Hire professionals.  With a solid ATB section to support them, the boys would automatically improve greatly.  Second, start the men performing on their own so that some subset of the organization can give a nuanced and polished performance.  Then start raising money to start a choir school  You may even already have a few teachers among the gentlemen.  I also think a way is needed to inspire passion for music and singing in the boys, as American boy singers are woefully low energy.  If one selected forces in numbers like King’s College, Cambridge (16 boys, 14 men, 1 director, 1 organist) there would be a 1:1 man to boy ratio.  A mentoring/apprenticeship program could conceivably help to inspire the boys to actually start putting themselves into the music rather than just letting it happen around them.

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Can’t wait!

Ah, finally.  Puppy and The King called me today to tell me that they were contacted by the mentoring program as my references.  I was starting to wonder what the heck was going on, since it’s already been…5? 6 weeks?  I haven’t heard from anyone else yet, but things are starting to move.  Can’t wait!

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Today I watched Jet Li’s Fearless.  I think it was a very good movie.  The acting was not to western taste, meaning it wasn’t naturalist, but the story told was a good and interesting one and it was well told.

While on my cruise I laid out a plan of action if you will remember.  Upon returning from the cruise I set about following it, but have since become lax.  I need to recommit myself to it, even if I change the goals.  I think the uneasy feeling I’ve been having is related to once again lacking direction and purpose.  So, here i go again, outlining what I hope to do and accomplish.

-Become a mentor.  Really nothing I can do but wait on this one.
-Contact Virtuoso to encourage his Venus and Adonis project.  Even unpaid, I need to get back into music for the love of it.
-Reduce my spending, increase my responsibility, both financial and personal.
-Find a job to replace the Restaurant that doesn’t subvert my soul.

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Well, such momentum couldn’t last forever without effort.  It’s been hard for me to come to this blog recently.  I’ve had things to write, but I just didn’t feel like writing them.  Yet again, however, I am determined not to let this endevor fail.  I will continue this blog.

Part of the problem is the video games.  Another part is the depression I’m starting to feel.  It’s just a cycle, and this should be a relatively mild one considering things are going well in my life.

I’ve quit my job (Tuesday is my last shift), I like my new job, I’m supposedly going to be mentoring a boy, and I’ve been seeing a lot of my friends.

The other problem is that I’m reading again.  How does Stephen King do it?  In On Writing he recommends writing and reading every day, but how?  If I like what I’m reading, then that story consumes me.  I just can’t…  I can, but it’s difficult to write even a journal when I’m reading a book.  (Dark Tower III.  I love Jake Chambers!)

While time with friends is great, I wonder if it contributes to my depression as well as softening it.  Every time I’m with The Boys or My Friend On The Facebook, I kind of want to tell them my secret.  But I know how they feel about pedophiles.  Obviously the idea is that I could change their minds, since they would have to reconcile their friendship with me, a known individual, with their hatred of a faceless demographic.  But while they could (and I think would) choose me, the possibilities exist that they’d do the opposite, or fail to make a decision at all and just reject that part of me.  Not all my friends will react the way The King did.  I was fortunate that he already suspected the answer and had, for the most part, come to accept it.  He still had (and has) questions, but they don’t have a bearing in his acceptance of who I am.

I think I need to at least tell My Friend On The Facebook.  For friendship to truly grow, there must be truth.

Maybe Jess too.

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Fool that I am

I feel like I’ve been remiss in my duties having gone through so much and written none of it down.

On Friday I indeed called in sick for work.  Unfortunately, my manager called me back and begged me to come in anyway.  And fool that I am, I said yes.  So I worked myself ragged, thus leading to my health problems.  I was very angry at the manager and at myself for that whole thing.  I vowed I will now always request off the whole day when I have something in the evening.  But stupid me, I just agreed to pick up an extra shift tomorrow and i have rehearsal at church that night.  So obviously my vows mean nothing.

My head still isn’t clear.  Being sick sucks.  I had my interview for the mentoring organization yesterday.  I’m really not sure how it went.  But I can do nothing until I hear, so I may as well not worry.  Hope, but largely not think about it.

Shower.

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Yesterday I accomplished much of what I set out to do.  But not all, at little fault of my own.  I couldn’t find The Secretary of State after church, so I didn’t get a chance to talk to her.  I’ll have to send an email to her today about meeting my predecessor.

The Boys were not available for brunch, so I went straight home.  I did buy a half kilo of Guatemalan coffee for my parents first.

I applied to the mentoring organization, doing it quickly to avoid the doubt that would have followed, then collected my references.  One had to be from an employer, so that’s the Saint.  His response to my asking his permission was “Sure, feel free…”  It was the ellipse that makes me wonder about that reaction.  The King also agreed to recommend me.  I was a little worried about him, but he seemed very open to the idea.  I don’t think he’s deceiving me.  Jess is my last reference.  My reluctance there is that she doesn’t live locally, and that may look bad.  But I think she would be able to convince them that that isn’t an issue.

Boy Scouts didn’t happen.  The local council’s website is horrible.  Impossible to find information on volunteering.  Maybe that’s on purpose, because they don’t want random people.  People like me, basically.

FAFSA’s done, though.

So for today.  Groceries, CCs, Laundry, Oil change is done, practice, more boy scouts, and finally, financial institutions.

***

Alrighty.  Not a bad showing for a chronic lazy bum.  I applied to college, went grocery shopping, got my oil and wiper blades changed and called my bank to get information about how to transfer my investments to their brokerage service.

I have not folded nor finished my laundry, practiced or volunteered as a boy scout leader.  If I can get my courage up, I’ll go to the scout meeting down the street at 7:30 tonight and get that last one done.  I’ll fold laundry before bed tonight.  I think I’ve lost on practicing though.  Now I’m going to do more stuff that I don’t need to do and make a youtube video.

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Right back into things.  I got home around 6 last night, went to BBM’s house to watch a TV show, and now I’m on a one hour break, back at work, pulling a double.  Joy.

On the other hand, I don’t have work tomorrow or Monday, and not until noon on Tuesday.  A little worried about Tuesday, though, since I have my first rehearsal with the choir Sue recommended me for that night at 8.  I need to make sure that I’ll be out of work absolutely no later than 6.  Preferably 5.

But, in the interest of starting off on the right foot, I’m going to outline what needs to happen before Tuesday since I’m not resolved to manage my time well.  Maybe if I put in in writing here, I’ll keep myself to it.  I’ll feel like I’m letting  down more than myself, which I’ve proven I am more than willing to do.

On Monday AM (preferably before 10) I will get the oil changed and new wiper blades.  Long overdue.  Later in the day Monday I need to practice.  I’m not going to set an interval since I won’t stick to it anyway, but practicing needs to happen.  Right after the oil change.

Sunday PM I will do further research into the technology programs at various CCs.  It’s looking like a diploma program in networking from the community college in the next county over.  I need to start the application process as well.  This will need to carry over into Monday as well, since I want to call the colleges and talk to people there about options and financial aid.

Financial aid.  I can start filling out the FAFSA on Sunday.

And finally, the Boy Scouts.  I need to begin that process Sunday as well.  If I need recommendations then I can’t finish it, but I can get most of it done.  And start the application process for the mentoring program as well.

So.  Sunday:
10:00 The Citadel. I need to talk to the Secretary of State about sitting down with the old assistant before the end of the year.
1:00 Maybe brunch? Wouldn’t be bad to skip this week.
3:00 or as soon as I get home. Boy Scout and mentoring apps. Followed by FAFSA, then research into programs of study.
When finished: TV

Monday:
9:30 Oil change
11:00 Practice
1:00 Call CCs to talk about study.
2:30

Have to go back to work.  Will finish later.

There was something I needed to remember…

…but I forgot it.

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A plan is starting to take shape in my mind.  A goal.  A direction.  I need to write it down to sort it out and to stop myself forgetting.  It will be nice to have direction if I approve the plan and put it into action.

The goal is to move to England with a job lined up.  I sort of have two paths before me.  One of stability and one of dynamicy.  (I know that’s not really a word.)  I can stay where I am.  Get comfortable.  If I do that, I may eventually end up with some semblance of a music career, but I doubt anything great will happen.

The other option is to take myself outside of comfort.  Do something new to inspire me to greater things.  That doesn’t have to be a move to England, and I hate to leave this country just as Barack Obama takes power, just as “my side” has won the election, but if I don’t do it now, it will only get harder.  I must follow the example of my friend who went to China.

So.  The plan.  It involves:
– intense voice study with my voice teacher.
– coaching with two able coaches in my area. One famous.
– maybe some lessons with The Tenor’s teacher.
– finding a roommate.
– getting an associate’s degree in IT.
– attending a prestigious music festival.
– Singing as much as I can.
– Finding employment and housing in England to arrive to.

Let’s start with that last one.  I can kill three birds with one stone if I get a job as a lay clerk at a cathedral, church or chapel.  Not only is it employment, but many offer housing as well, and I would get to sing with a fabulous men and boy’s choir, which has been a dream of mine since I was 13.

While I’m aiming for the stars, I may as well throw in some sort of job working with the boys of that choir in a more supervisory capacity.  In order to increase my competitiveness for such a position, I’ll add a few more to-dos:
– become a Boy Scout leader.
– become a volunteer with a youth mentoring organization.

Obviously, this isn’t an easy list to accomplish.  My time will have to be more tightly managed.  I’ll need to find fun in the journey, and not in the spaces between the steps.

One of the local community colleges is obviously a good place to start for the IT degree.

***

My father and I just had a long, nice conversation.  Talked about everything from the cause of higher humidity on land vs. ocean to voice change, karaoke, computers and countertenors.  He suggested that I take classes in the specific areas of computer technology that interest me rather than pursue a third lesser degree to the degrees I already possess.

Priorities when I get home involve:

– getting out of debt.
– gathering information about local community colleges.
– reconnecting with the coaches.
– submitting applications to become a leader and a mentor.
– cultivating relationships that can provide references for jobs involving children.
– find information about the music festival and apply.

I need to become more involved with the Citadel’s choirs for the second to last point in that list.

To accomplish all this I will need to make sacrifices, obviously.  World of Warcraft is out.  Sadly.  I like it, but I don’t.  It’s fun, and it’s good, but it’s boring and it’s bad.  BBM will be sad.

…I’ve lost my focus.  Good thing I got down what I did.

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About 11:45pm.  My evil plan failed.  I think I waited too long.

After the pretty horrific show tonight, I went back to the room to change and go to the toilet.  Along the way I committed myself to try my evil plan.  Place myself in a hot tub on the main patio (not the adults only area.  Ick!) and wait for the pre-teen boys to come and crowd around me.

Epic fail!  Well…There was one pre-teen boy, but he was black.  (Nothing against black people.  I’m just not usually attracted to them.)  Plus he had his younger cousin with him who was uber chatty.  They both liked to tell tall tales.  Like how the older of the two fell off a boat into the ocean and was rescued by a dolphin because he made a dolphin noise to call one to him.

Other than those two, I was joined by a couple in their twenties, three middle teen cousins (1 boy, 2 girls) and two young teen girls who were somehow related I’m pretty sure.  I do believe my downfall was the hour.  I went too late.  Pre-teen boys are in general not allowed to swim at 10:30 at night unsupervised, and their parents have other things they want to be doing that late.  Perfectly reasonable.  Just inconvenient.  If I try earlier, there wil be no room to insert myself to begin with without losing my deniability to the accusation that I was actually seeking that company.

Anyway.  Maybe there will be boys on my excursion tomorrow.  Fingers crossed.

I just really want a relationship with a boy.  I miss it so sorely.

Many boylovers would like to be boys again themselves.  And I certainly wouldn’t say no to the opportunity.  I’d jump at it.  But I’d also like to be 15 or 16 again.  Something about that age where it’s just so easy to hang out with younger boys while still being the mentor.  The leader.  Setting all the precedents.  Teens that age are just a magnet for younger boys.  I thought about this twice today.  The first time right after the cousin trio got into the hot tub.  The two black boys who had been talking to me latched onto the teen boy.  They followed him around for ther rest of the evening.  Not that I minded.  But it did make me think of that.

The second time was when I got back to my room and took my third shower of the day.  I dropped my swim trunks in the bathroom and it sort of reminded me of boy scouts.  Not because I ever exposed myself to the younger scouts, but because I always wanted to just take the lead, show no shame, and encourage them to do the same.  Trying to lead the younger boys in confident body image and get myself a show to boot.  I never did though.  The only time I dropped my trunks in scouts was when I was one of the younger scouts, in front of a fellow 11 year old.  Still trying to not be ashamed.  Still hoping my friend would follow suit and give me something to look at.  (He didn’t.)  Even at 11 I was trying to see penises.  I ended up being the one to give a show though.  An older scout came into the shower room at some point while I was naked and my friend was fully dressed.  (We were both in the showers though.  Weird kid.  Showering in jeans.)  He sat down on a bench facing the bank of showers and waited for us to finish.  I was made a little uncomfortable by the situation, mainly because I didn’t feel free to talk to my friend in front of this person I didn’t really know, but I didn’t think much of it, and it didn’t really bother me.  In thinking back I always wonder about that older scout.  I can think of two possibilities.  Either he was far to shy himself to undress and was unwilling to shower in his clothes, or he was enjoying the show I was putting on.  Wish I could remember his name…

Anyway, that desire to return to an earlier point in life when I was closer to boys is a part of the elusive feeling/desire that haunts me.  That feeling of incompleteness that I can never fully grasp or define that drives me to seek out some sort of contact with boys.  Many other boylovers I’ve spoken with know exactly what I’m talking about and are equally unable to put a name to the feeling.  I’ve understood parts of it, but whenever I understand a new aspect of it, I lose my grasp on another part.  Or more accurately, I lose my grasp before I have a chance to understand the new.  Maybe it isn’t actually knowable.  Maybe there are no words, there is no thought to parallel the emotion.  Maybe it is truly outside the realm of reason.

Or maybe, whenever I think I understand part of it, I’ll rush here and write it down, and eventually have all the pieces, just needing to be put together.

But then, surely, if such were possible, it’d have been done already.

Maybe it has.

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