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Posts Tagged ‘Money’

What do I want?  It’s a harder question to answer than it seems, even without bringing up the “unknowable longing.”  I love music, especially baroque, sacred and choral.  I love boys; their company, voices, image.  What the heck am I going to do with my life?  I’m tired of not knowing where I’m going.  I don’t want to worry about how my next meal or the electric bill will be paid.  But neither do I want to be chained to a desk working 40+ hours a week.  I need flexibility.

I’m listening to a recording of an English Cathedral choir.  In my initial long term plan I stated that I was going to England to sing in one, but the problems are this: The political situation with being a foreigner in England is not looking good right now, they are even more intolerant of boylovers (at least on paper) than the US, I don’t know that I could stand to be tied down to singing a service every day much more than working 9-5.

It really is a while lot of “I don’t know.”  There must be a way to shape a life I can love.  What part of myself must I sacrifice?  (I have far from recorded all the directions I’d like my life to go here.  There are far too many.)  Music and boys will always be at the top of my list of loves, and their combination would seem like the perfect solution, but I really think perhaps not.  As much as I love singing boys, singing in a choir with them probably wouldn’t fulfill me.  (It doesn’t right now, though it is pleasant, but I can’t know it wouldn’t if I were in one of the caliber of Kings or Westminster.)  It lacks the personal element.  I ‘m not content to adore from afar for ever.  I think…I think I need to have a career singing the music I love most — early — with maybe a little musical leadership thrown in and also cultivate personal relationships with boys.  That sounds…like a give up answer.  I still have no clue how to fully support myself, nor cultivate those personal relationships.  Do I spend the money and go back to school?  I can’t really afford to.

I DON’T KNOW!

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Today I watched Jet Li’s Fearless.  I think it was a very good movie.  The acting was not to western taste, meaning it wasn’t naturalist, but the story told was a good and interesting one and it was well told.

While on my cruise I laid out a plan of action if you will remember.  Upon returning from the cruise I set about following it, but have since become lax.  I need to recommit myself to it, even if I change the goals.  I think the uneasy feeling I’ve been having is related to once again lacking direction and purpose.  So, here i go again, outlining what I hope to do and accomplish.

-Become a mentor.  Really nothing I can do but wait on this one.
-Contact Virtuoso to encourage his Venus and Adonis project.  Even unpaid, I need to get back into music for the love of it.
-Reduce my spending, increase my responsibility, both financial and personal.
-Find a job to replace the Restaurant that doesn’t subvert my soul.

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It’s been a long time since I wrote anything here.  And while plenty has happened, I feel like there really isn’t any story to tell.

I’m fairly certain that last Wednesday was the last day I’ll ever see the tray taker boy, since the busy season is pretty much over now.  I’ve been in the Chase Room at The Restaurant for almost all of my recent shifts, which is nice since it’s a more calm room and I get tips from the bar.

I spent the last few days with my father’s side of the family up north.  My father’s brother’s only son’s family wasn’t there (they have four boys).  Only Lucy and her little sister for children.  They were great to have around.  I tried my best to be sociable with Lucy, who is now 10, as sort of practice.  I wasn’t that good at it.

And I just spent $500 on a new television.  I’m a spending junkie.  (And now my credit card is frozen because the bank is afraid of fraud after such a large purchase.)  I need to start making more money.  And I will soon, but I just sent myself further into the hole that I first must dig myself out of.

Today, while browsing Nifty, I came across a story title that felt like the first line to a poem.  So I tried to write the poem.  The line was “And then there was Joshua and Joseph.”  I corrected the grammar for my poem.

And then there were Joshua and Joseph,
Two boys of speechless wonder.
Their hearts beat furious and frantic
Within their narrow breasts.
Restless eyes failed to meet

And that’s all I could come up with.  Clearly, I am no poet.  But I’ve known that for a long time.

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I had a few things I wanted to write about today.  Let’s see if I can remember them all.

I turned on the heat today.  I didn’t even need to, and that sucks.  I turned it on to keep the house above 60 degrees while I cleaned.  Then I didn’t clean.  Waste of fuel, waste of money.  I’m determined to keep my utility bills low this winter.  If that means keeping the house freezing while I huddle near the space heater, then so be it.  Winter will not rape my finances again this year.  No $300 gas bills.

One thing I’m apparently not determined to do is clean.  As I said, I turned the heat on to clean, but I never did.  I folded laundry, but that’s about it.  I really need to get it done tomorrow.  Sissy’s coming Friday and I have work and rehearsal on Thursday.  I have work tomorrow too, but it’s early.

Which leads me to two other things.  I could stay up and clean now, but I’m having trouble waking up in the mornings, so I should go to bed early.  But tomorrow I’m planning to go out in the evening with The Boys and their Lady.  That will make problems with the cleaning tomorrow thing.  Then again, if all else fails, I can stay up late tomorrow and Thursday since I con’t have work until 11 and 5 the morning/evening after.  I’m tired now and my actually be able to sleep.

The Restaurant served Mississippi Mud Pies today.  Oh chocolate!  Obviously they were for the guests, but most of us (all who wanted one) got a slice.  Mmm.

About a week after starting this blog I got my first few readers.  Three of them.  They arrived through such tags as “journal” and “stray.”  Ha!  I bet they did not get what they were expecting!  I’d really like to know how they reacted when they realized what they’d found.  But maybe I wouldn’t.  I can imagine it either way, and it’s not divied just along their reactions being positive or negative.

So this journal/blog are really sucking up time.  The reason I didn’t clean?  Yeah, general distaste for the activity, but I was doing this instead.  There are worse things I could have been doing.  Video games, for example.  But it was still procrastination.

I need to get on the ball.  Find a sub for next week at the Citadel, respond to Sue’s director.  I’m sure there’s more I’m forgetting to do.  There always is.

I finally got my travel info to the bozo at that horrible choir I sang with a few months ago.  Other than them giving me my money, may I never hear from them again.  I still need my oil changed.

I just saw, the notebook I bought a little while ago…  It’s wood free.  That’s awesome!

I was doing some musical improv today.  I really wish I’d recorded it.  I need to do that the next time my mind goes there.  I had some great material for a mass.  A good one this time.  Oh well.  Made me feel like I could actually consider composing again.

Well, I think I got a lot of waht I wanted to down.  I’m sure I missed a lot, but I got some other stuff I’d never planned on.

Oh!  The reason I’m working on Thursday now, I picked up an extra shift.  Stupid!  Actually it’s probably good.  Earn some extra money before taking a week off.

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I got payed by the Citadel on Thursday.  That helped.  Not as much as I’d like, but it means I can pay bills without fear of checks bounding and still put a little into the credit card to stay under my limit.  I also got a check from the Choral Society concert yesterday.  That $250 will also be a big help.  Now I can definitely make it until next Thursday for the Restaurant’s paycheck.  I fear it will be abysmally small.  But every little bit helps, eh?

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Broke

Today I ran out of money.  I knew my spending was getting out of hand, but I ignored it.  I was having too much fun with my friends to restrict it.  And then today I didn’t have enought room on my credit card to buy a pizza.  I also just took a voice lesson and payed my teacher.  $120.  So now I have nearly $2,500 on my credit card and $75 in the bank.  I can’t buy gas.  I can’t pay my bills.  I can’t even feed myself.

Painful or not, I need to work more hours, and find a better job.  I get paid Thursday.  I think.  And then I’ll get the check from the Citadel soon too.  Maybe, maybe, between the two, I can pay my water bill and keep the car running.

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