As mentioned previously, many entries to this blog will be adaptations of my journal entries. That means that the events of feelings depicted are not necessarily current or even recent.
Oh, and by adaptation, I simply mean that I remove or change the names of locations and individuals and edit for length and understandability. My journal is pretty stream of consciousness sometimes. So, with no further a-do, my first entry:
I feel…off. I don’t really understand what I feel. Naming my truly important feelings has always been impossible. Recently, I’ve noticed a change in the way animals react to me. They used to love me. And not too long ago either. Some still do. But my neighbor’s dog… That was the first time I noticed.
Now, I don’t consider my neighbor’s dog to be any kind of reliable judge of character, but a little while ago–maybe two months?–my neighbor came over to introduce her pit bulls to me. The female had just had puppies and wasn’t much interested in anything. The male, though, took one sniff and backed away, growling. Then, last Sunday I saw a stray cat. I reached my hand out for her to sniff. She also pulled back after getting my scent. And then a little later, I let another pit bull sniff my hand as its owner was walking it. It tried to bite my hand off.
What about my scent has changed? Have I become the villain that I always joked I had the potential to be? I spoke to Jess, my fellow potential villain, and she just laughed at me. It is ridiculous. I’m judging myself based on the reactions of a dog bread for it’s aggressiveness and bad attitude and a cat who digs through dumpsters. Of COURSE they’re not going to want to be friendly.
But what if something about my scent HAS changed? What did I do to change it? How can I go back? If I look at what’s changed about my lifestyle… I need to simplify, I think. I’ve become too…adult. Focused on earning money, making a living. At the same time, I’ve taken laziness to a new personal level. Maybe this journal will help. Help me focus my thoughts, force me to think more clearly.
I need to reconnect. De-isolate myself. Being unemployed so long, I haven’t had anywhere to go, anyone to see, or even any money to do something if I DID have somewhere to go. But I even have had more hermit like tendencies when I DID have people around, things to do, places to be. That needs to stop. Maybe work will help with that. Force me to interact with people. Get over that insulatory instinct. I really think I’ve pulled away from human contact since graduation, and that my friends have noticed my withdrawal and responded in kind.
Music, boys, books. These have always been my focus. They really still are, but I feel on some level that the way I focus on them has changed. It’s less passionate and more mechanical. More out of habit.
I need to change. If I haven’t changed, then I need to now. If I have changed, then I need to again. But this time, the change must be positive.
I’m going to do the dishes. Then maybe I’ll eat something healthy, for a change.
(In rereading that while I typed it up, I’m almost reluctant to post it. I was being such a diva! For one thing, that dog attacks anybody and anything that it can get at. I have heard many screams of terror from people as it escapes the house to chase down them, or their smaller dog. It’s jumped through their window before to chase something down, right through the glass. But it’s how I felt, and there’s some truth to what I wrote. That is what journalling is really about. You write and you write and eventually something true ends up on paper. As you get more experienced, it becomes easier to be truly honest. So, I hope you’ll forgive the drama. It’ll get better, I swear.)
To all men else uncouth 